So here I am nestled nice and warm in the breakfast room. You could say it’s the best room in the dining experience, as I have a birds eye view of the place. I never wanted to be this old. Its no fun being shrivelled and burnt out. If only I was still smooth and firm and felt really alive. Anyway its no good moaning, I have to tell this story before my time is up. It may be sooner than you think!

Theres Mrs Classy over there at table number 2. Thinks herself somebody with her airs and graces and blonde coiffeured locks. Don’t get too close though, its only a façade. Her natural colour is 50 shades of grey. She barged past me without a second glance, all too quick to get her “posh” breakfast. Little does she know the fruit salad she deems so healthy was scraped off the floor at 6am and tipped back into the bowl. That chef assistant is such a clumsy oaf. Forgive me if I curl up at her a minute as she nibbles the grapefruit covered in fur!

And here we have a one nighter at table number 3. Hes here with his secretary. Oh yes you might think you fool me with your notepads and pens pretending its all above board by booking The Willow Conference room. If I sit up a bit I can see her foot in your lap Mr, oh yes! Its not just him getting hot under the collar, can’t someone turn the heat down in here a bit, Im having a hot flush. Must be my age?!

Next in the rogues gallery is to my right at table number 5. Surveyor Sam. Hes an arrogant so and so. Don’t you just hate those sort who sit on their laptops and mobile phones conducting a business on speaker phone. So you have sealed the deal eh? £50.000. Wowee. Whoopy day. Pity you don’t pay more attention to your long suffering wife who is at this minute finding her own jackpot with Mike, retired schoolteacher from Kent, who she sees once a week in a clandestine affair on floor 3 in room 428. They would be sat at table number 4, only they didn’t have time for breakfast, preferring something tasty of their own making. Put that in your pipe and smoke it smug Sam. (could do with a smoke myself, come to think of it).

Table number 6 is empty. Well I say empty. Its to be cleared. I would have been there myself but Im glad Im where I am to be honest. In fact I wouldn’t mind being here for life. Life, I hear you say, don’t be ridiculous.. but if only you knew what I had been through, you would understand. Treated rough in my life, neglected, pushed around and finally stripped of all my finery. Catching light of myself in the spotlight above my place Im shocked. I really have some grey streaks in my hair, and doesn’t my bum look big in this? So yes its best I am where I am and not on that table on show to all the world and his wife.

Table 7-10 is a weightwatchers conference. These poor people have been sucked in by the points mean prizes option. They started off happy people with a zest for life and now they look positively gaunt with their sunken cheekbones and thin frames. Taking pride of place in the centre table is the ceremonial prize. Is it a gold chalice, no. Is it a all inclusive break to the Seychelles to a health spa, no. It is.. wait for this, a set of weighing scales!! I ask you, how sad is that?! For gods sake a bit of fat don’t harm you!! Take me for example, Ive been told Im very tasty indeed, so there.

Table 8 are a noisy rabble. They have been here since 7am. You know the type, take the all you can eat voucher to the extreme. I have watched them back and forth at least 5 times. Food all over the place, including the walls and floor. I said good morning so many times I got fed up of their rudeness and not answering that I gave up. You just cant educate some folk. I know I have room to talk, I have been here the same amount of time, but I have had nothing to eat, Im just enjoying people watching. But them ruffians just make my blood boil so much that Im positively sizzling.

Table 9 is very different. I have been watching them for some time. You don’t see this very often. They cant take their eyes off each other. It must be love. Their eyes positively sparkle with it overflowing out of each other. A joy to behold it is. The other people are too busy with their own importance to see the glow around them, but I see it. I hope they make eye contact. Im over here. Yes, just little old me. Sitting here minding my own business. Come and say hello. Go on you might enjoy it. Oo they are getting closer. Leaning over me. She, glides off, but he fixes upon me. Oh goodness, Im fair melting, how hot is he! He picks me up twirls me around and Im dizzy. Im seated again now, right next to him. Im looking up at him, gazing, I too am transfixed just like she was. Well who wouldn’t be. And then it happens he gazes me straight in the eyes, my mouth touches his. Hes going to kiss me. Oh I can hardly contain myself. He opens his mouth and…. Im in there! Hes tasting me, oh I know Im going to be swallowed but who cares. The crispy piece of bacon has pulled!!!